Learning how to Thrive In Our Relationships
As we have entered this new year, many of us have reflected on what went wrong in 2023. For some of us, we may have realized that we had no boundaries in our romantic relationships. You might've noticed that you're a chronic people pleaser and find yourself resentful when your kindness is not reciprocated back. Or, you might be emotionally exhausted with the idea of fighting with your spouse or partner to make the relationship work this year.
The reality is, 2023 taught us a lot about our relational habits and the types of people that drain our mental health. But I want to offer you 3 different perspectives that may help you thrive in your relationships this year.
Reflect on your why for relationships
Understanding your why for a relationship is important because it will drive what you do within your relationship. Some people enter relationships for companionship. Others enter relationships because they have felt led by God to grow spiritually with another individual. Whatever your reason is, it is important to reflect on the reason that you were drawn to your person. Were you drawn to their patience for you? Do you often feel challenged to step out of your comfort zone? Has your relationship taught you how to be less self-centered, and more other-centered? Once you're able to reflect and identify what led you to your relationship, then you have a marker to fall back on, when your emotions make you question your why.
Understand your attachment style
Attachment styles are a fancy way to express how you connect with others relationally. Our first point of reference for relationships starts with our families of origin. This includes our parents, caregivers, siblings, and other people that grew up with you as a child. Your interactions with these individuals likely taught you about what love and connection looked like, and how it should be exhibited. As you grew and matured, you probably tested out your way of attaching with others, and it either reinforced safety and security, or anxiety, anger, or fear. For example, if you never saw your parents argue as a child, you might've grown up with the idea that arguments = falling out of love. Therefore, if you experience conflict in your relationships, you might think your relationship is doomed to fail, and may engage in anxious or avoidant behaviors that protect you from experiencing hurt. With the help of a therapist, you can understand your attachment style, and how it impacts the way you attach to your partner.
Shift from me-centered to other centered?
Most relationships in our society focus on what we can get from our partner. It's contractual, meaning, “if you give me what I want, I will give you what you want”. To some degree, it's important for us to feel like our needs are being met within a relationship. However, healthy relationships require a level of sacrifice that takes intention and hard work. It's an unpopular opinion, but the only way a relationship can survive is when we think less about ourselves and more about the other person. When we have a healthy sense of self awareness, we will realize that our partner's won't always make us happy, and will oftentimes disappoint. But that doesn't mean that your partner doesn’t love you. Shifting from me-centeredness to other-centeredness, allows us to be compassionate to our partners flaws and wounds as they heal and grow. When we live in compassion, we won’t get offended so easily when our partner fails to meet our needs, and you will learn to be more appreciative when your partner continues to serve you in spite of their failures. When we are able to operate from this space, your relationships can truly thrive, because both partners are serving from a space of wholeness instead of selfishness.
